Breaking the Reflection
By Sophia N.
“My dad saw you yesterday, and he said you were ugly,” one of my classmates told me. I was nine years old, staring into the mirror, my stomach sucked in.
My mom would squeeze my baby cheeks and call me “con heo”, Vietnamese for baby piggy. My dad joked, saying that I wasn’t fat, just ‘big boned.’ Their teasing blinded them to the fact that every comment about my appearance gave me a new flaw to obsess over. In middle school, talk about beauty surrounded me.
I listened on the sidelines as girls picked on themselves and each other. “I hate my nose, it’s so bulbous.” “She’s so weird, did you see what she’s wearing?” While these jabs weren’t made directly at me, I started to believe that being liked meant blending in.
I noticed I didn't fit the standards these girls held themselves to. I was tired of noticing their criticisms, so I just stopped looking at my reflection. Whether in the mirror or in photos, it was avoided like the plague.
In eighth grade, I decided that changes had to be made. My glow-up checklist included buying trendier clothes, learning makeup, losing weight, just to give myself a chance with the ‘cool kids’.
But no matter how many things I checked off that list, no matter how much I changed myself, my attempts to converse were met with condescending smiles.
“Maybe I’m just not pretty enough”. It was as if there was an invisible barrier separating me and the version of myself I thought people would love. I started to redefine the way I measure my worth.
Starting high school gave me a completely new environment. I realize now how many girls around me were struggling with the same insecurities I was. In middle school and high school, you’re completely surrounded by so much casual criticism that you’re compelled to think everyone’s doing better than you.
The truth is, the people I once thought of as perfect weren’t miles ahead of me, but right beside me, struggling just as much as I was. Growing up taught me that even if I did reach those impossible standards, I still wouldn’t be secure with myself.
Confidence comes from learning to separate yourself from the opinions surrounding you. I still have insecurities; I no longer let them define my worth.
Click to read the neuroscience of it all!
The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and the Insula
When being left out of social functions, these two brain regions activate. When youre classmates reject your efforts to fit in, your brain sees it as physical pain.
The nucleus accumbens and the ventral tegmental area (VTA)
The "Glow-up checklist", the adolescent brain is very sensitive to social rewards. This list was an attempt to trigger dopamine release through social approval. But, because dopamine is a molecule of anticipation (not satisfaction), checking those boxes never felt like enough.
Mirror Neurons
These brain cells fire when you do an action and when you watch someone else do an action. They are important for social learning. By absorbing the self criticism of the surrounding girls, insecurities were being internalised. Self view was beginning to seem hyper-critical.
The Amygdala and The Prefrontal Cortex
Amygdala --> The emotional center
The Prefrontal Cortex --> The decision making center
The Amygdala matures faster than the Prefrontal Cortex. Because of this, one tends to create an 'imaginary audience', causing the amygdala to be on high alert. Casual commentaries perceived as threats to social survival.
~Sophia.N
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